"So do you ever think about me? Because I've been thinking about you way more than I should."
"No, not really."

"They shot a golden retriever into space and it made me sad."
"Just think of it as intergalactic fetch."

"I just found out there is speed dating at comic-con."
"Both those things are for losers."

"Listen, you've got a weird voice and are kind've annoying. We want you to go over to these guys and talk about Jesus."

"What've you got in mind?"
"How about a sudden, unexpected moment of truth?"

This girl I haven't talked to since... December? started texting me a few weeks ago asking if I'm still attracted to her and blah blah. She then proceeded to tell me I'm attracted by looks and not personality and lighting my phone up with pictures of herself.

Another girl I apparently gave my number to in early April decided now was a good time to start texting me. I've literally no memory at all of her and so have been mostly fucking with her or flat out ignoring her. This was enough for her to offer to send me naked pictures of herself.

Something about not sticking my dick in crazy, and crazy girls are crazy comment goes here.

"I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about."
"I love you too."

"I was thinking about becoming a cop."
"Be sure to read Mein Kampf and get a swastika tattoo on your forehead while you're at it."

---

Cccccaaaffffffeeeeeiiieeneneneneeeeneeneneneeeeee

"There's no room for logic between us."
"Oh, I see, a logic free marriage. Will the divorce be logical?"

"I hate this, only 9am and I keep falling asleep at work."
"Fucking go to the Dentist for the first time in three years and get some real problems."

"90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love. Since u have read this, u will be told good news 2 night. If u don't post this on 9 comments your worst week starts now."
"Jesus Christ all-mighty, PLEASE LET MY WORST WEEK START NOW!"

"I want you."
"When and where?"

"I can't eat wheat. I'm allergic to gluten."
"Then why are you fat?"

"Regular sex does it for me, guess I'm in the minority and should join the Mormons."
"Yah, I mean... Cars get me places, but sometimes I'd rather fly."

"I just finished an emergency flank cesarean on a cow."
"I just poured a bowl of cereal."

"I don't want to be a dick and dive turns like that."
"Then you won't go Pro."

---

Nice to be reminded from time to time.

"Can you take time out of your busy schedule of gelling your hair and swimming home to attend?"
"Listen dude, I've got platanos to make and a sister's quinces to attend. I've got big things to do."

---

“Dear US Government, I’m from Lebanon, you don’t scare me, you don’t understand. My friends were killed in 2008, my house was bombed and my neighborhood ruined. My father was killed in 2006. You don’t scare me at all. If you want to scare me, send me for torture in Syria. But you can’t anymore, because Syrians are revolting.” Twenty-one year old hacker hacking the planet.

Oh shit, and now he's doing an Ask Me Anything on Reddit.

I literally just received the following email, "I just got back from a date where this guy wanted me to pee on him. I told him no. Sooooo.... want to come visit me late August?"

---

DON'T STEAL BIKES BRO!

"How do I have sex with a fat girl?"
"Tie a 2x4 to your waist so you don't fall in."

"He used to just put a wrench, a stick, and a belt on the table and just say choose."
"Well I would have to go with the belt."
"I used to go with the wrench."
"Why the wrench?"
"Because fuck him, that's why."